Health Care

As part of our nation’s plan to provide affordable, accessible health care for all, we are going back to grassroots tactics. We suggest that more people take their health care into their own hands. For instance, in case of accident or dismemberment, we strongly encourage those involved to be resourceful in the aftermath. If a pedestrian is hit by a car and they can still walk afterwards, it is advisable to knock on the doors of all the surrounding houses and ask if there are any retired doctors who wouldn’t mind taking a look at them. If the person cannot walk, it is advised that they get a ride to the nearest hospital, either by taxi, bus, or car. Please avoid calling the ambulance service in these situations, or you will be heavily penalized.

Popular opinion has long mandated that people avoid performing minor surgeries on themselves and others. That old-fashioned idea has run its course, and we are now recommending that minor surgeries for external cuts, gashes, and wounds be carried out in a well-lit room, preferably quiet, with properly sterilized sewing needles and thread and any other tools you may find useful. We recommend you be patient but persistent. The speechwriter, for example, just attempted to remove some glass shards that became embedded in his or her arm. The speechwriter lit a match, waved a needle through its flame, went into the bathroom and poked at the arm through blurred vision. This removed most of the glass pieces, but there are still some small ones that the speechwriter will patiently and persistently poke at throughout the writing of this speech.

In case of births we are now implementing a system whereby the pregnant person must reserve a hospital room no later than two months before the delivery date. Should the baby want to be born earlier than the delivery date, we recommend ingesting heavy drugs (available at the post office) to delay labor. If those do not work, we are in the process of building an emergency birth center only an hour’s drive away. Should most of the delivery date pass with no birth, we recommend inducing labor in our facilities. Try not to wait until too late in the day as the paperwork required to reserve a birth room for more than 24 hours is quite mountainous.

For aches and pains we suggest ignoring them as much as possible and hoping that they go away. Hope is as strong a medicine as medicine, in some cases. If hope does not work, we also suggest laughter, smiles, and hugs.

For more serious cases please continue using red tape, hoops, large bills, and chains attached to desks.

It is advised to wear a helmet at all times.

Our new slogan, “The body can do it, the mind can do it, you can do it,” is aimed to remind people of the resiliency of the human body. Medicine has only been practiced for the last 5,000 or so years, while people have been around for much longer. If we embrace this natural approach and let the body take care of itself, or take care of itself with a little help from you and your neighbors, we are confident that people’s health everywhere will improve.